Bathroom Etiquette: Some things are just wrong

I work in a bookstore. Not the most interesting job in the world, but it pays well and it can be fun, on occasion. My run-ins with the public run the whole gamut of genres: fantasy, horror, romance, thrillers, etc. Today’s encounter (it actually occurred about three or four days ago) would fall into the horror category. And like all good horror it takes place in the restroom in my bookstore. I had to make use of the facilities and entered the restroom innocently enough. I heard a voice coming from the back stall. I didn’t think much of it at first. Some father helping his son do his business, I thought. The realization of what was actually going on dawned on me slowly. I think mostly because the act being preformed was so unnatural to my mind. Some guy, in the back stall of the Barnes and Noble restroom, was talking on his cell phone. I could not believe it. Bile rose in my throat.

This guy was just randomly talking to someone about his recent experience at the local theater. (He had seen Alice in Wonderland and thought it was really good.) The crazy thing was that I could hear the voice of the lady on the other end of the line. As I did my business I couldn’t help but wonder where this lady was and how she might react if any “bodily functions” occurred at such volume as to be picked up by the cell phone’s microphone. Would this be the time and place when a fart would be broadcast to the far end of the country?

As it turned out, there was no such occurrence. But I was able to hear the change in the lady’s voice when she found out she had been talking to a guy that was sitting on the toilet. I felt her pain, her discomfort and shuddered with the horror of it all.

I know that I am not the only one to feel horror at this practice of using the phone while on the can. There is, of course, the innocent victim on the other end of the line. But I also seem to remember an episode of Seinfeld that involved a girlfriend that talked on the phone while in the bathroom. She used a really long corded phone and not a cordless. This episode is not to be confused with the famous “Bathroom Book” episode.

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